How to deal with ‘energy-vampires’

Got an energy vampire in your life?

This isn’t a supernatural being that craves blood; energy-vampires refer to friends who seem to zap your energy when you spend time with them.

These people may complain a lot, only talk about themselves and show no real interest in you or your life.

So how do you spot them?

Common signs are an excessive need for attention and reassurance, according to psychologist and author Suzy Reading.

They may also chip away at your mood slowly, through backhanded compliments or pressuring you to be upbeat, where they don’t allow you to express how you are really feeling.

Author and journalist Radhika Sanghani says how you feel after meeting these kinds of people is often the telltale sign.

“I’ve come away and thought, this isn’t working, I’m really drained, and I’m able to see it’s them, they are the problem, not me.”

If this is an issue you’re struggling with, here are three ways to handle it.

• Listen to Suzy and Radhika on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour talk about how to deal with these kinds of friendships

Many people may not realise how their behaviour is impacting you.

It could be an awkward conversation, but speaking up and telling them directly how you feel can be very effective.

“There are plenty of examples where people have been given that feedback and they’ve been aghast. They’ve had no idea about the impact their behaviour has had on other people,” says Suzy.

This kind of honesty can help you maintain a friendship.

Radhika suggests a conversation along the lines of: “When we’re hanging out, I’m not really feeling that there’s much space for me. I don’t feel heard. I’m not really being asked any questions.”

If they’re a real friend, they will listen to what you’re saying and not ignore it.

“If they instantly deny it or are defensive, that to me shows they’re not someone I want in my life,” she says.

If your friend shows no desire to change their behaviour and you cannot extricate yourself from each other’s lives, it is important to put in place clear boundaries to protect yourself.

This could be by cutting down the time you spend with them or setting rules for when you are together.

“Be clear on what’s okay and what’s not okay.

“For example, ‘you can say ‘let’s not send endless messages’ or ‘we’re not going to talk about our emotional lives,'” says Suzy.

Changing what you do when you spend time together can also help. If you normally go out for a meal together and chat or have regular coffees, try a different activity.

“Why don’t you go for a walk together? Why don’t you exercise together so you’re still having your needs met? That dials down their tendency to just dominate everything,” suggests Suzy.

Pay close attention to how you feel after you’ve met up with a friend.

“If you’ve had a social encounter, think: Was it a +2? Did you come away feeling lifted? Was it a zero? Or was it a –2, where they’re draining you?”

You may have a different tolerance to someone else, so need to trust your own judgement on whether to start limiting your time with them.

And, if it feels irreparable, Radhika says you shouldn’t be afraid of calling time on the relationship.

“In some situations, if it’s easy enough, I will just withdraw, especially if it’s someone I’ve just met.”